stepping stone path

thoughts from the in-between

When I left home for the mountains on the 14th, I had a finished song. It wasn’t where I thought would be, but it felt really good. I realized at some point that one song stood out as feeling closer than the rest, and I wanted nothing else but to keep listening to it, crafting it.

There’s this period of time that I’ve been in since, between the joy of finishing a song and sending it off to be mastered, when everything changes. How I hear the song, how I feel about it, my ability to trust myself and my decisions, the life it brings me shrinking and becoming something I approach with some ounce of fear. My listening changes as I scan each line for harsh sounds in my voice, fine details I might have missed, the very subtle last minute mixing decisions. I send it to my closest friends for notes. And I’m here again, wondering if the process of sharing music is too much for my mental health. The thought arose,

What if I dared to believe that everything is going to work out.

I see how I lose myself in the mindset of; how can I avoid making mistakes this time? How do I play it safe, how do I ensure success. In every move and decision here, I look for a resounding yes to soothe my worries. I look for signs outside of myself and my lack of overwhelming confidence is one that invites doubt.

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If I look closely, the proof is all around me and it’s subtle. Following a lush trail, breathing in the smells of the forest, the deep quiet, crossing a lively stream stone by stone. I don’t know where it’ll take me but it’s all here. Wisdom, reconnection, life.

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I’m still reflecting on this, moving gently on the day I’ll get the master back. It’s lightened my heart to remember how it felt to share the first song from my debut album many years ago. How I finished it and threw it up on Soundcloud unmastered. Eight years later, that version of myself would be enamored with this song. I know deep down I still am too.

With love,
Kate